I want to kill him and kiss him. What a problem

Wow, it's been a longass time since I updated this. I just need somewhere to write this down before I explode and this place came to mind. Lee, my ex/best friend, has once again proved that he can be the biggest retard to walk the face of the planet, whilst also managing to hurt me all in one go.

About a day or two ago, he announced he was dating a new girl, long distance, told me her name and so on. There is a girl on facebook with that name, on his friend's list, who he told me previously he does/did like and suddenly he was in a relationship, supposedly with her. I believed him. It crushed me, because, yanno, I still happen to be rather smitten with him for reasons unknown to me and many others. So by telling me this, he obviously hurt me. I, however, cried, got it all out, took a deep breath and tried to just be happy for him being happy. I was doing great. In fact, earlier today {technically yesterday now, but whatever}, I had said to myself as I was walking home "I feel awesome. It's been an amazing day."

I hadn't worried myself about him having a girlfriend and possibly never wanting me again. I had gone for a 2 hour walk down the street into town, gotten some hot chips and a drink, wandered about, helped a little old woman take out her garbage and went home to watch 2012. It had been a lovely day. I had fed the ducks. I had been untroubled. Hell, I'd even spoken to him via my xbox headset and played Call of Duty with him and my sister for the laughs. It had been fine. He then said he needed to go onto the laptop to change something and would talk to me soon. So he went offline and I sat wondering if the sudden change was due to his girlfriend coming online or something.

Anyway, I'm sitting in this very seat, talking to a friend of mine from the states about something or other {music I think} and then Lee says "I have something to tell you, and you aren't gonna like it."

...

Now that is never a good thing to be told. But I told him to go on with it anyway, seeing as he was going to regardless. Turns out there was no girlfriend. Turns out it was all a lie, a fake relationship. Hell, I don't even know if the chick took any part in it at all. He had told me he'd done it because he wanted everyone off his back about being single - plus another girl, Krystal, who lives a great distance away and has "dated" him before, and did a lot of things to him that I will never forgive her for, has been desperately seeking him once more - and he has NO interest in her at all. In fact, her behaviour is pissing him off. So badly that he did this to get her to leave him alone. Yeah, that's right.

So my first reaction is get pissed the FUCK off. How dare he lie to me?! His best friend! Someone he loves and trusts! Someone he tells regularly that he can't stand liars! How could he deliberately hurt me when he could have simply said "Hey, I'm gonna fake a relationship to get Krystal to leave me the hell alone. Can you go along with it?"

So I got all ready to be angry as fuck at him for daring to do such a thing to me, when he admitted that it was also because he had hoped I would give up on him if he had a girlfriend and find a boyfriend, someone to love me back. He doesn't like that I love him when he doesn't return the feelings anymore. I can understand that I suppose. I get it. It does cause me pain and I can understand why he'd want to help end that. BUT THAT IS FOR ME TO DO ON MY OWN TERMS. Trying to force it on me isn't going to get me anywhere. In fact, it had the opposite effect on me. I was hurting. Bad. It made me more aware of how I didn't want anyone BUT him. How the only other person I could want lives too far away and may never meet me. If anything, his actions amplified not only my pain, but my awareness of how alone I am, and how no one can give me the love I want.

He also admitted he doesn't like it when I say something like "You're so cute sometimes" or "I love you" when I go to bed {I say that to a lot of my friends -__-}, so I've agreed to stop. But he could have just asked all along instead of breaking my heart.

Anyway, I asked him if he'd go on webcam before he went offline, but he said no because he didn't feel like it and was gonna play a game with his mate. So instead of making it up to me, he buggered off. I didn't whine or complain. I simply said "Okay then" and let him.

So about 30 minutes ago or so, I was sitting here, playing Final Fantasy 13, watched him come online and then he IMed me saying that I would receive 10 messages in a few minutes but not to open any of them until he said so. So I waited until he IMed again and then he told me to look at the messages as they were on the screen without opening them, just scrolling down. This is what it said:

<3
N
I
G
H
T
W
I
S
H

...

Just that. Nothing else. It made me laugh. It was just so sweet and cute. I asked him why he'd done it. And his answer was simply "Because it made you smile and laugh."

Seriously? What am I gonna do with him? Should I strangle him with my hands or hug him senseless? I don't know how he can break me and save me in one day. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. And he wonders why I'm still so in love with him *laughs*