ARGH

Okie dokie, so things aren't as peachy as they were. In fact, things seem to be quite the opposite. Where do I start?

1. I am still going out of my mind because I live with my family still, though trying to change that by attempting to convince Lee's mother to let me move into their spare room - she said she'll think about it, which isn't a no and I told her all the pros of it, so fingers crossed.

2. I desperately wish to go to my friend Emmi's birthday in about a week or two, but seeing as we'll be walking around Sydney for god knows how long, I am thinking my mother will find a way to completely bar me from that, which wouldn't be an issue if I'd seen her in the past couple of months, but I haven't. I haven't seen her since...March ish. And I really fucking miss her.

3. My love life seems to be this glorious mess. It was going rather well til Lee told me he was in love with me and then I got all kinds of confused. Then I thought about what I really wanted and after a week or two, I realised I was totally NOT over him and that I'd just buried the feelings in hopes of getting over him. I still REALLY like Nathan and I wanted to remain his friend, which he was fine with...up until 4 or so days ago.

I had spoken to him on the phone and he had been a bit short with me for a few days leading up to that. He never said why but I checked my facebook and found out I'd been deleted off his friends list. Normally, something like that wouldn't bother me but with him, it does, seeing as I thought he was a good, close friend. Obviously I was wrong. Which hurts. I have tried calling him numerous times and he ignores or rejects my call. He refuses to respond to anything I send him, which is fucking irritating because I just want to know what the Hell I did to gain this reaction from him.

I understand that he really had his heart set on me and honestly? Nobody knows how awful I feel about the entire situation. But had he told me he couldn't be my friend because it was too hard, sure, I would have understood and left him alone. Instead, I am greeted with silence and not having a clue what went so fucking wrong {aside from the blindingly obvious}. I get that he was heartbroken and found it difficult to speak to me as we had done so after I told him how I felt, but again, I have no idea what prompted him to stop speaking to me completely. It baffles me. Oh! And a few days ago, he got into a relationship with a girl he's known for a while, which is fine by me, because I want him happy - a day after that, they had broken up and then he was with her again by yesterday! So in 3 days, he managed to break up and get back with the same chick, who I thought he got along with really well and so wouldn't have to break up with her ever, while having told me like...a week ago, he was totally NOT over me, so can someone explain that? Is that like...rebound shit or something because I really, really don't know.

Maybe he's ignoring me so he can forget me and get over me and be happy - which I would have no issues with {okay, that would suck balls, I'd cry and all but I'd have to be okay with it} because it would be what he wanted and lead to his eventual happiness. Or if this new girlfriend is barring him from speaking to me, okay, that's piss weak, but I can deal with that kind of shit IF HE'D JUST TELL ME HIMSELF. I just need to know what's happening because swimming around in the dark is SO much worse than knowing an awful truth. I hate that I've been cut off like this, without warning or reason {at least that I can find - someone shine some light onto this for me}.

It's making me doubt and wonder...

I mean, what if all my friends are capable of doing this? Just...ceasing to speak to me, ignoring me and not telling me why, and I'm left to be driven insane from not knowing. I can't handle being without information of the mistakes I've made because I have no fucking clue on how to avoid them again if people don't goddamn tell me!

4. And finally, this is what pisses me off most - Lee told me he's in love with me. Okay, I believe him. He's far more affectionate than he's ever been, openly admits his feelings in front of others {most times} and says it way more than he has in the past - however, there is still a stain within this silver lining. He told me that he does love me and wants to be with me but isn't ready for a relationship.

...what the fuck? How can someone be in love and want another to be their partner but doesn't want to be in a relationship?

I got him to admit he's had commitment issues in the past but if it's past, then what's changed?

I know my life is nowhere near as bad as someone elses and it could be SO much worse, but at the moment, it feels like an awesome clusterfuck of stressful bullshit that is getting me nowhere. I just want a little more light in my sky. At the moment, it's a lunar eclipse and all the stars are dying out.