ARGH

Okie dokie, so things aren't as peachy as they were. In fact, things seem to be quite the opposite. Where do I start?

1. I am still going out of my mind because I live with my family still, though trying to change that by attempting to convince Lee's mother to let me move into their spare room - she said she'll think about it, which isn't a no and I told her all the pros of it, so fingers crossed.

2. I desperately wish to go to my friend Emmi's birthday in about a week or two, but seeing as we'll be walking around Sydney for god knows how long, I am thinking my mother will find a way to completely bar me from that, which wouldn't be an issue if I'd seen her in the past couple of months, but I haven't. I haven't seen her since...March ish. And I really fucking miss her.

3. My love life seems to be this glorious mess. It was going rather well til Lee told me he was in love with me and then I got all kinds of confused. Then I thought about what I really wanted and after a week or two, I realised I was totally NOT over him and that I'd just buried the feelings in hopes of getting over him. I still REALLY like Nathan and I wanted to remain his friend, which he was fine with...up until 4 or so days ago.

I had spoken to him on the phone and he had been a bit short with me for a few days leading up to that. He never said why but I checked my facebook and found out I'd been deleted off his friends list. Normally, something like that wouldn't bother me but with him, it does, seeing as I thought he was a good, close friend. Obviously I was wrong. Which hurts. I have tried calling him numerous times and he ignores or rejects my call. He refuses to respond to anything I send him, which is fucking irritating because I just want to know what the Hell I did to gain this reaction from him.

I understand that he really had his heart set on me and honestly? Nobody knows how awful I feel about the entire situation. But had he told me he couldn't be my friend because it was too hard, sure, I would have understood and left him alone. Instead, I am greeted with silence and not having a clue what went so fucking wrong {aside from the blindingly obvious}. I get that he was heartbroken and found it difficult to speak to me as we had done so after I told him how I felt, but again, I have no idea what prompted him to stop speaking to me completely. It baffles me. Oh! And a few days ago, he got into a relationship with a girl he's known for a while, which is fine by me, because I want him happy - a day after that, they had broken up and then he was with her again by yesterday! So in 3 days, he managed to break up and get back with the same chick, who I thought he got along with really well and so wouldn't have to break up with her ever, while having told me like...a week ago, he was totally NOT over me, so can someone explain that? Is that like...rebound shit or something because I really, really don't know.

Maybe he's ignoring me so he can forget me and get over me and be happy - which I would have no issues with {okay, that would suck balls, I'd cry and all but I'd have to be okay with it} because it would be what he wanted and lead to his eventual happiness. Or if this new girlfriend is barring him from speaking to me, okay, that's piss weak, but I can deal with that kind of shit IF HE'D JUST TELL ME HIMSELF. I just need to know what's happening because swimming around in the dark is SO much worse than knowing an awful truth. I hate that I've been cut off like this, without warning or reason {at least that I can find - someone shine some light onto this for me}.

It's making me doubt and wonder...

I mean, what if all my friends are capable of doing this? Just...ceasing to speak to me, ignoring me and not telling me why, and I'm left to be driven insane from not knowing. I can't handle being without information of the mistakes I've made because I have no fucking clue on how to avoid them again if people don't goddamn tell me!

4. And finally, this is what pisses me off most - Lee told me he's in love with me. Okay, I believe him. He's far more affectionate than he's ever been, openly admits his feelings in front of others {most times} and says it way more than he has in the past - however, there is still a stain within this silver lining. He told me that he does love me and wants to be with me but isn't ready for a relationship.

...what the fuck? How can someone be in love and want another to be their partner but doesn't want to be in a relationship?

I got him to admit he's had commitment issues in the past but if it's past, then what's changed?

I know my life is nowhere near as bad as someone elses and it could be SO much worse, but at the moment, it feels like an awesome clusterfuck of stressful bullshit that is getting me nowhere. I just want a little more light in my sky. At the moment, it's a lunar eclipse and all the stars are dying out.

I want to kill him and kiss him. What a problem

Wow, it's been a longass time since I updated this. I just need somewhere to write this down before I explode and this place came to mind. Lee, my ex/best friend, has once again proved that he can be the biggest retard to walk the face of the planet, whilst also managing to hurt me all in one go.

About a day or two ago, he announced he was dating a new girl, long distance, told me her name and so on. There is a girl on facebook with that name, on his friend's list, who he told me previously he does/did like and suddenly he was in a relationship, supposedly with her. I believed him. It crushed me, because, yanno, I still happen to be rather smitten with him for reasons unknown to me and many others. So by telling me this, he obviously hurt me. I, however, cried, got it all out, took a deep breath and tried to just be happy for him being happy. I was doing great. In fact, earlier today {technically yesterday now, but whatever}, I had said to myself as I was walking home "I feel awesome. It's been an amazing day."

I hadn't worried myself about him having a girlfriend and possibly never wanting me again. I had gone for a 2 hour walk down the street into town, gotten some hot chips and a drink, wandered about, helped a little old woman take out her garbage and went home to watch 2012. It had been a lovely day. I had fed the ducks. I had been untroubled. Hell, I'd even spoken to him via my xbox headset and played Call of Duty with him and my sister for the laughs. It had been fine. He then said he needed to go onto the laptop to change something and would talk to me soon. So he went offline and I sat wondering if the sudden change was due to his girlfriend coming online or something.

Anyway, I'm sitting in this very seat, talking to a friend of mine from the states about something or other {music I think} and then Lee says "I have something to tell you, and you aren't gonna like it."

...

Now that is never a good thing to be told. But I told him to go on with it anyway, seeing as he was going to regardless. Turns out there was no girlfriend. Turns out it was all a lie, a fake relationship. Hell, I don't even know if the chick took any part in it at all. He had told me he'd done it because he wanted everyone off his back about being single - plus another girl, Krystal, who lives a great distance away and has "dated" him before, and did a lot of things to him that I will never forgive her for, has been desperately seeking him once more - and he has NO interest in her at all. In fact, her behaviour is pissing him off. So badly that he did this to get her to leave him alone. Yeah, that's right.

So my first reaction is get pissed the FUCK off. How dare he lie to me?! His best friend! Someone he loves and trusts! Someone he tells regularly that he can't stand liars! How could he deliberately hurt me when he could have simply said "Hey, I'm gonna fake a relationship to get Krystal to leave me the hell alone. Can you go along with it?"

So I got all ready to be angry as fuck at him for daring to do such a thing to me, when he admitted that it was also because he had hoped I would give up on him if he had a girlfriend and find a boyfriend, someone to love me back. He doesn't like that I love him when he doesn't return the feelings anymore. I can understand that I suppose. I get it. It does cause me pain and I can understand why he'd want to help end that. BUT THAT IS FOR ME TO DO ON MY OWN TERMS. Trying to force it on me isn't going to get me anywhere. In fact, it had the opposite effect on me. I was hurting. Bad. It made me more aware of how I didn't want anyone BUT him. How the only other person I could want lives too far away and may never meet me. If anything, his actions amplified not only my pain, but my awareness of how alone I am, and how no one can give me the love I want.

He also admitted he doesn't like it when I say something like "You're so cute sometimes" or "I love you" when I go to bed {I say that to a lot of my friends -__-}, so I've agreed to stop. But he could have just asked all along instead of breaking my heart.

Anyway, I asked him if he'd go on webcam before he went offline, but he said no because he didn't feel like it and was gonna play a game with his mate. So instead of making it up to me, he buggered off. I didn't whine or complain. I simply said "Okay then" and let him.

So about 30 minutes ago or so, I was sitting here, playing Final Fantasy 13, watched him come online and then he IMed me saying that I would receive 10 messages in a few minutes but not to open any of them until he said so. So I waited until he IMed again and then he told me to look at the messages as they were on the screen without opening them, just scrolling down. This is what it said:

<3
N
I
G
H
T
W
I
S
H

...

Just that. Nothing else. It made me laugh. It was just so sweet and cute. I asked him why he'd done it. And his answer was simply "Because it made you smile and laugh."

Seriously? What am I gonna do with him? Should I strangle him with my hands or hug him senseless? I don't know how he can break me and save me in one day. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. And he wonders why I'm still so in love with him *laughs*

>.>

Well that was...interesting. Two people that I know with insane mood swings just collided and wow, yeah, let's hope that doesn't happen again because I don't appreciate having my head bitten off. For those of you in the dark, Trinette just came into contact with Mel. Trinette, being near illiterate and country hick, of course, claimed that metal music was shit, yada yada. Mel retaliated, of course. Pointed out that Trinette's spelling and grammar was poor, that metal was the Scandinavian Gods gift to man {or something like that} and that her taste in music was dreadful in comparison to ours. I had wandered out to go and eat my dinner and was greeted with "God that Mel chick is such a fucking bitch! I wish she'd just die!"

You can imagine that I was surprised and a little annoyed that she was attacking someone that, yeah, I don't get along with fabulously, but someone I have things in common with and who I get along with most days. I told her not to bite back and to just drop it, but she continued to ramble on and on and on. It went like this:

Trinette: She's a stupid skank.
Me: She's not a skank.
Trinette: Fine, she's fucking slut.
Me: She's not a slut. She doesn't sleep around, thank you very much.
Trinette: Whatever. She's a fucking stupid fat cunt and I hope she dies!
Me: She's not fat! Stop it, Trinette.
Trinette: Fine, she's a fucking skinny cunt!

etc

Yeah, it just kinda kept spiralling and I defended her over and over until we were told to shut up. It was ridiculous. I had told Trinette before Mel had replied to just drop it, to leave it alone, that fighting wouldn't accomplish a freakin' thing and Mel is an incredibly proud and stubborn person. It just exhausts and upsets to bother fighting with her. But noooooooooooooo, no Trinette just had to keep rabbiting on. She may not have said it to Mel's face, but she certainly yelled it at me. I couldn't help but laugh though. Mel's reply was so spot on and I had to bite my tongue hard when Trinette was reading it out, because I couldn't disagree with a thing that Mel said. I truly couldn't.

Erica, save me from the bogan. With you, I wouldn't get yelled. We could go live in Finland with the semi-sane and frolick in the snow and live in Tuomas' sauna. Please? I promise I won't touch him. But I get Tony and Tero. K? Excellent.

*hugs* It's times like this, exasperating as they are, that I'm glad I'm not the target, but I have a feeling I will be if Trinette dares to retaliate. I'm sure Mel will bitch to me about how horrible and stupid my sister is and Trinette will never stop reminding me about Mel. I'll just bang my head against the wall in front of me instead, okay? The same headache only much faster and doesn't require much stress.

Wish I could get a hug from you, luff. Despite what you think of yourself, I truly believe you are the only sane person around me. And I'm very glad of that fact. Miss you terribly and I hope you slept well.

Rakastan <3

Anyway, now to find a way to distract myself for the next four or five hours *hums to herself and considers Glambert again*

*smiles*

How can one person make my heart beat this fast, and how can they make me cry so, so happily at the smallest gesture, just to make me feel better? She's so sweet and thoughtful and loving, and she makes me so happy. What I would give to be able to show her just how much those little moments mean to me, how they make it hard to think or breathe in the most blissful ways. I treasure the little things she does for me because they mean so much.

I love you so much <3

Just...had to write this before I went crazy lol

Run a razor across my heart,
Purge it of the poison inside.

Wipe it clean and
tape it up.
Leave it to mend on its own.

Something pure will beat again
for her, and her alone.

The beast is caged and locked away;
I fear its escape and control.

Help...
...someone stop this frightful envy.

It's making me something ugly.


___________________________________________________

Okay...glad that's out of my system. And now to get this out of my system:

I want to kiss her...I want her to feel everything, every ounce of love that I hold for her...if not by a kiss, then my God, I'll show her through a hug...anything...I just want her to feel it, to know just how deeply this runs...to know that giving her the world would never be enough; that I'd give her her every desire and happiness if I could do so, even if it meant in exchange for my own, because I'm happy when she's around anyway...I just...want to show her so very, very badly...and I have this terrible fear I may never be able to kiss her, if only just once...I don't care about having sex, no matter how wonderful it sounds or whatever {it's something I've lived without thus far and I haven't died}. I just want to give her one kiss where she feels it all...I know it won't do anything, but...I feel that if I don't, someday, the overwhelming amount of adoration and love that I feel for her will just be too much and I'll just burst...sometimes it certainly feels that my heart surely will. Personally, there would be no greater happiness than to simply be close to her and I despise that I was born here and not there.

I look forward to her visit here and would love to get a job very soon so that I could save money to go there, which I'm sure she'd like too. I know she probably won't be very happy with what I've said so far {though I've been wrong before too lol} but I felt I needed to say it. I long to trace her soft cheeks, to see those incredible, beautiful eyes for myself, to hear that adorable giggle in all its glory, to be dazzled by how the light catches her hair, to marvel at her empathy and intelligence, to hold her and receive a hug filled with such warmth that I would gladly drown in it. I know that I may never kiss her, but I don't mind, even if I'd love that beyond all types of expression. As long as I can hug her...as long as I can do that, I'm happy. And I mean it.

I'll do my best to bring the Heavens and all its sparkling diamonds to you, my Selene.

Note: I apologise if this was sickening or upsetting to read...I just wanted it out before it became something really ugly inside of me. *hugs* I know you'll understand what I mean.

*sigh*

"You piss me off by existing."

That above was said to me today...more than once now {I think about 8 times or so...so far} and it...I dunno...it hurts...thinking that my very existence causes trouble for someone. Especially someone who doesn't talk to me all that much at all, who has said they find me ignorant and immature, and unbearable because of these things.

...I seriously hope that all who read this never have to hear those words from someone who you'd hoped to befriend...

________________________

I miss her...so damn much...I know it's ridiculous to miss someone after not speaking to them much after 2 days but I really do miss her...she understands me...she gives a damn...she's always so considerate, even when she just wants to curl up and bawl...such a wonderful person...so beautiful and lovely to me in every possible, imaginable, conceivable way...and it doesn't matter that I've never met her in person; I know her heart and her soul...and as black as her soul may be, it's the most gorgeous darkness I've ever seen and has made me appreciate the beauty of night...I know that sounds insanely corny but...you know what? I don't care. She is just so amazing...she makes me smile so very easily and her laugh makes me wanna glomp her into eternity, even if glomping is the most unmetal thing in the world. She'll probably be blushing, giggling and shaking her head while reading this, because admittedly, I am quite a dork...but I'm her dork and proud to be. And now...my mood has shifted...somehow o.o...now, I don't feel so upset...I'm smiling again. When you read this, kiitos.

Despite having such a dark soul, you make my days so very bright and happy, without even knowing it =). Kiitoksia, luff.

<3

And now, to watch an anime I've become somewhat hooked on lately, which is strange for me but hey *shrugs*, I finished Nightlight {PARODY OF TWILIGHT. READ IT. FUCKING HILARIOUS AND RANDOM, DUDE!}. The anime is called Special A if anyone is interested. I'm mainly watching it because it's a romantic comedy :3

Anyway, toodles <3 *skips off in an insanely better mood than before*

o.O

...I think...I just got a visitor *smiles*. I closed my door and ensured it clicked so that it wouldn't get pushed open by any window or anything. It randomly just opened on it's own, even though there wasn't a breeze.

I wonder if any possibly spirits I know have come to say hello to me and are here right now =) If so, I think I know who they are and I thank them for the little visit. I hope it's them <3

What do you think, Siren? Did she go for a walk around this time or did any of them at all?